All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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