My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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