Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
