the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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