We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
