Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
