you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
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