Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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