what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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