Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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