omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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