After last night, I could never be a politician.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
