I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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