Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
