He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
