her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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