Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
