Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Randomize
