If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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