I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
