When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
