i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
