i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
