we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
