need another drink. this is the easiest way
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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