I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
