How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Randomize
