Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
