I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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