she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
