I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
