just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
