i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
