Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
This can only be settled by a dance off.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
