Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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