I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
