I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
