he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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