I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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