remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
