he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
