Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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