Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Randomize
