We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
