if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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