Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
