My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
