apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
