Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
