i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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