i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
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