I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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